- Your new glasses are 3/4 of an inch thick. They are thicker than the Woody Allen inspired chunky frame you selected. And let's not forget the cataracts...
- You take an impressive handful of pills every night before bed. You take an equally impressive handful every morning.
- You sleep with a heating pad at night for your aching back.
- You bath in BioFreeze at night for your aching back.
- You make your husband turn the music down in the house when you are cleaning because having it remotely loud is too much for you.
- You have heartburn at 9 am.
- On Saturday night you are asleep by 8:30 pm.
- You are impressed with the fact that you can run a ten minute mile on a good day.
- You go to a party (for the first time in MONTHS) and fall asleep in the middle of it by 10:30 pm, next to someone's stinky lap, on a dirty couch, without regard for anyone or anything except for your tired soul.
- You only wake up at said party due to all of the guys laughing at you because you farted in your sleep. And once you are awake and aware of what you did, you don't give a shit, because with your old age and wisdom, you know that everyone farts. You roll over and go back to bed.
Those are the realizations I came to this weekend. I am most certainly, a 26 year old, antacid poppin' granny.
Owning up to my name,