SHALOM BITCH

As many of my close friends will tell you, I am pretty Jewish.  I like to nag.  I like to cook, and I am generally offended if you don't want to eat an entire 3rd portion of whatever it is that I cooked.  I say "oy-vey" on the reg.  My nick-name for a lot of years was Shaunikah.

And I often greet people with the phrase "Shalom, Bitch!"  I love to say it.  I say it when I answer the phone.  I say it when I skype.  I text it.  I sing it.  Sometimes I will even throw it out there at the grocery store to the person bagging my goods.  Just to spice things up and give the nice (white, anglo-saxen) folks at the upper valley P. Chops some diversity.

Well today, my loyal friends, I say SHALOM BITCHES to all of you.  For today, at sundown, is the first night of Hanukah.  Or Chanukah.  Or the damn festival of lights.   It all means the same things--latkes, menorah, presents, and Adam Sandler on the radio singing about 8 crazy nights and marijuanakah.

Being the great and perfect Jew that I am, tonight, Mr. G (being the good Goy that he is) and I will light the menorah.  But then the jewishness stops there.  We will not make latkes.  We will not spin a dreidle.  We will not read "Hershel and the Hanukah Goblins."  We will not exchange gifts (Ricky the Recession Rat will not allow it.  He was already pissed about our new computer purchase without his approval).  We will most likely eat non-kosher shrimp on a salad or, god forbid, eat some pork (best food ever, Jews be damned) and watch TV.

Actually, the TV part is quite appropriate, as my people own the media.  We are the agents, the actors, the producers, the directors, the entirety of LA.  Watch a movie or a show and read the credits.  So really, I am doing my part in being a Jew and participating.

We also will likely talk about money and tell a few Jewish jokes (we are allowed to, we are Jews).  So all in all, we will be good Jewish and will honor the holiday quite well, I think.

So sit back, have a glass of Manishewitz, eat a pot roast, have 6 latkes, spin the dreidle.  Or at least watch TV.  And celebrate Chanukah.

Mazel Tov,
Bubbie Moisha