There is something that has been upsetting me over the last couple days even more than the two painful pimples I have right in the crease of my nose right now.
If you all recall, I love getting new toothpaste. I also love brushing my teeth. I like to think of brushing my teeth as a massage for my gums. And when I get new toothpaste it is extra exciting because you don't know what that massage is going to...taste like. (???)
Every time I buy toothpaste I get something different. Sometimes I get Crest, sometimes Colgate, sometimes Aim. It's always a minty surprise.
And on Wednesday when I bought a new tube of toothpaste it was no different. I stood in the dental section of Hannafords for 10 minutes debating which brand was best. I finally made my decision and was beyond thrilled to go home and open the new tube of toothpaste and squeeze out the paste on to my toothbrush. I could not wait to get home and brush my teeth.
Finally it was time for bed and therefore time to clean my chompers. I shouted down to Mg. G, "I'M OPENING THE NEW TOOTHPASTE! I WONDER WHAT COLOR IT WILL BE? DO YOU THINK IT'S CREAMY? OR GEL? OR MAYBE BOTH? DO YOU THINK IT WILL HAVE BITS OF SPARKLES IN IT?!?!?!"
The response to Mr. G was a deafening silence.
I ripped open the carton, opened the lid, and squeezed out some blue toothpaste onto my OralB automatic toothbrush.
"ITS A MIX! ITS HALF CREAMY HALF GEL! AND ITS BLUE!!!"
"OH BOY, I AM SO EXCITED!"
And I started to brush my teeth.
And it was disgusting.
The worst toothpaste in the history of man kind. It tasted horrible. Furthermore, it left a weird feeling on my teeth when I was finished. And even worse, it left the horrible taste in my mouth for ever. For infinity.
This is my worst nightmare. Since Wednesday night I have literally dreaded brushing my teeth. "Maybe I can chew gum this morning instead of using nasty mcnasty toothpaste?" "Who cares about plaque or morning breath. I am protesting this toothpaste!" "My gums don't need their twice daily massage today..." But my sanity prevailed and I brushed and cringed and gagged each time.
|In other news, do you love my fancy pajamas and giant, mutant hand?|
I am headed to Hannafords again after work tonight to get a new tube of toothpaste. And I am already giddy with excitement about brushing my teeth tonight. Good riddance
shit ass Crest Complete Toothpaste, I bid you adieu.